Fat Camp
by SchattenShadow
Summary: Snape and Draco are forced to go to fat camp as you can imagine they aren't very happy about it. Mostly CANNON, not senseless humor.


Hello! This was a collaboration between us two sisters. We love Snape and Draco. We are by no means biased against overweight people, and if you are reading this, we assume you aren't either.

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter characters. Although we would love to snog some of them.

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Fat Camp

There was a heavy knock on the door, and Snape looked up sharply wondering who would be in Spinners End at this time of night. It was the third day of Summer vacation and he had just made himself comfortable in the living room of his house. With feet kicked up he anticipated the relaxing silence of the room, and was annoyed he was disturbed.

He opened the door cautiously, and hid his surprise when a tear-stained Narcissa was looking back at him through the small crack in the door.

"Narcissa-- what-?" Snape questioned before being pushed aside as she tackled herself in the house weeping and clenching his robes.

"Oh Severus!" She wailed pitifully, " You're the only person I could run to, the only person who can help me!" she sniffled into his chest.

"Again?" Snape huffed incredulously. He was growing more uncomfortable as she pawed at his face dramatically.

"Severus Severus Severus." She repeated, forcing him to look her in her reddening eyes. "Please don't refuse me. Don't turn me away!"

"What is wrong with you?" Snape said a little too harshly as she started to hug him around the middle. "Does Lucius know you're doing this?" He squeaked as she gave him a squeeze.

"It's Draco!" She responded ignoring his inquiry. "He's," She paused to let the silence add to the drama, " morbidly obese."

"What!?" Snape hissed as she sobbed into his robes. "His weight was perfectly fine three days ago."

"OH SEVERUS!" She screamed, her heated breath warming his shoulder. But she did not explain how her son had gained weight so quickly. Snape tried to detach her fingers from himself, but she must had anticipated this because she had them interlocked.

"Please help him! You've always been so..." She paused yet again.

"Prudent?"

"Gangley." She corrected him.

"Charmed to be so." Snape said darkly. He wriggled in her grasp, but the woman was like a python.

"You must understand how hard this is for Lucius and I." She hiccuped into his shoulder. " Draco is humiliated. He dreads the thought of coming back to Hogwarts."

"Why? Because he's fat?" Snape hissed.

"Yes. Haven't you been listening?" She snapped impatiently. Snape frowned, trying to catch a glimpse of her face but she continued to talk into his shoulder, only giving him a view of her pristine blond hair. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"Motivate him the way you motivate yourself to be as healthy as you are." She said as if it was obvious.

"I've always been this thin! It has nothing to do with health, and I don't do anything differently than Draco-- only I don't mysteriously gain a significant amount of weight in three days." Snape replied.

"DRACO-- My poor baby!" She wailed again, this time her right hand has slipped away from his waist and Snape felt her pushing something into his robes.

"Narcissa, what are you putting in my pocket?" Snape sighed. She did not respond but sobbed harder as he pulled out a brochure.

"What is this?" Snape asked again, this time his temper flaring. There was a young boy on the cover, cheering as he ran to a finish line that said, 'Ideal weight'.

"Lucius and I, we- we found a place where Draco can go to lose his baby fat." She explained. "It's a camp where young boys and their fathers go to motivate each other to get in shape."

"Dreadful." Snape sneered crumpling up the brochure in his tight fist. "Do send Lucius my pity."

"Oh no- I already signed you up." She said, momentarily forgetting her sadness and sounding quite cheerful.

"WHAT!?" Snape roared in obvious outrage. This seemed to sober Narcissa up a bit and she buried her face in his shoulder once more, letting out heart-wrenching sobs.

Snape's door burst open, as if on cue, Lucius waltzed in, his face to the ceiling and the back of his hand caressing his forehead in the epitome of melodrama.

"Oh Severus, it's awful!" He sang in a sad, low tone as he danced swiftly into the room.

Snape nervously worked harder to pry Narcissa from his torso before Lucius' hand no longer obstructed his view.

"Let go of me woman, your husband will kill me--" Snape snarled waspishly.

"Damn that McDonalds!" Lucius shouted in a rage as he banged his fist loudly on Snape's coffee table. "Damn them to Hell!"

Snape was shocked that any pure blood would know what a McDonald's was, much less a rich one. He was already skeptical of Draco's supposed weight problem, but the mention of a muggle food chain was enough to tip him off that the Malfoy's had done some homework in order to make the story somewhat convincing. Snape lifted one challenging eye-brow and shot Lucius a inquiring glance.

"McDonalds?" Snape questioned.

"Those muggle bastards-- they knew Draco could never resist the Big Mac Meal!" Lucius said slamming his fist down again refusing to look Snape in the eye.

"Did they now?" Snape sneered. "Tell me Lucius, exactly where is this McDonalds? Is there one in your neighborhood?"

"Don't be naive Severus." Lucius scolded. "Those death traps are everywhere. Did you really think I would allow the enemy restaurant to linger near my heir after the damage it's caused? I had the place burned to the ground."

"How convenient." Snape mumbled. He went to cross his arms but realized doing so would result in giving Narcissa a hug. "Even so, I am not going to some motivational fat camp with your perfectly weight-savvy son."

"Severus, I appreciate your kindness, but we can't ignore the problem." Narcissa scolded softly.

"DAD!" A young man's voice boomed before walking in.

Snape frowned deeply as Draco walked through the door, not looking a pound over 130. His sharp features was living proof that Narcissa was a professional when it came to fake-crying. She was quite the actress, although, he thought, Lucius could use some catching up.

"Why are we at Snape's house!?" Draco whined. "When are we going to the Bahamas?" He looked confused and added, "What is mother doing?"

They were all studying Snape's face now, who was rigidly blank, refusing to show any sort of emotion.

"...Uh...did I interrupt something?" Draco asked nervously, taking the quiet as something he had created.

"Draco, you look _fabulous._" Snape said stiffly.

"Thanks. I've been working out..." Draco replied not knowing how to take the compliment, getting scared.

"What he means to say-" Narcissa interrupted shooting Snape a dirty look, " Is that we think you're fabulous on the _inside_."

"Mom, you're creeping me out." Draco said clutching his bags. "What's going on--- OH NO. We're not going to the Bahamas, are we? You're sending me to camp-- AGAIN."

"We trust you explicitly Severus. Well, bye Draco!" Lucius said in a nonchalant tone. Narcissa detached herself, putting on a big brimmed hat and sunglasses before Snape could stop her.

"Get back here--" Snape hissed.

The door slammed and there was complete silence as Draco stood in the middle of the floor, mouth open and flushing with anger.

"They do this every year!" He blurted out as if this was the first confession of his parent's cruelty. " They take a bunch of camp brochures-- mix them around and just PICK ONE OUT!"

"Don't worry, Draco. You and I aren't going _anywhere_." Snape started to unfold the brochure sneering.

There was suddenly a loud crack, and Draco's voice boomed out a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

Snape realized that everything went into a swirly purplish blue color and he felt a tugging behind his navel. To his horror, he understood the situation. The brochure was a portkey.

More horror continued as he realized that he was outside, next to Draco and a couple of his suitcases. Draco looked angrily at the cases which had stickers on them reading "Destination Bahamas".

A cheery voice interrupted their anger. "Hello there, travelers!" A smiling skinny man greeted their dumbfounded faces in an American accent. He had a clipboard which looked like a roster and, Snape noticed, the same image on his tee-shirt that was on the brochure. "Have you dropped off your child yet?"

"I am the child." Draco spat bitterly.

The counselor's smile wavered as he looked at Snape. "He is...not our biggest challenge this year..." the counselor fumbled. Snape gave him a withering glare that would send any first year screaming. "Name?" the counselor said quickly suddenly very intense on looking at his clipboard.

"None of your business, camp whelp!" Draco fired at the poor man.

"Um, well, yes. I'm Gary." Snape could tell that the counselor's welcoming routine was fast falling apart. "If you would please follow me, Mr..." Snape realized for the first time he was being addressed. He decided quickly that instead of being difficult and leaving on the spot he'd just sneak out in the morning. Lucius and Narcissa would be expecting that. No doubt had they put charms on the place the first day they'd be there...forcing them to stay. He had no idea where he was anyway.

"Severus. Snape." Snape put venom into every syllable.

"Oh! Mr. Severus Snape! Here we are. Draco Snape and Severus Snape. Boys cabin name Proud, and you Mr. Snape get the fathers cabin Cheerful."

Snape's face darkened, and Draco took one cautious step backward.

"Will you excuse us a moment." Snape said, it wasn't a question.

"Of course, when you're done conversing, you may drop your things off at your cabins and meet at the cafeteria for lunch." Gary said.

Snape gripped Draco painfully hard around the arm, in which Malfoy did not complain upon seeing his Professor's murderous glare.

"I haven't got anything to wear." Snape scowled looking down at himself. "These muggles must think me a freak." It was the first time he had openly admitted that his wizarding attire was inappropriate.

Draco said nothing, repressing the memory of when his father had casually commented that he wasn't entirely sure Snape was a pureblood. Thankfully, Snape was not reading his mind, but picked up one of Draco's bags and handed it to him.

"Find me something." Snape demanded unpleasantly. "It's the least you can do for making me a part of this." Draco winced as Snape gestured to the campground with his long, pale hand.

Draco immediately shuffled though his things and pulled out a black t-shirt that had some sort of crowned, British lion on it and a pair of baggy, camouflage shorts. Hesitating, he also pulled out a pair of black boxer-briefs and shifted his gaze to the tree-line. Snape reached in and grabbed a belt for good measure.

"One should be enough." Snape mumbled. Draco hoped that he was referring to the belt and not the underwear. "Drop your things off."

Draco navigated himself into the cabin "Proud". He was met with a lot of chubby, staring faces.

"Are you a counselor?" One of them asked.

"No, I'm one of the prisoners, not the guards." Draco responded dropping his bags on a top bunk.

"Huh?" One questioned savagely.

"He's foreign." A dark haired boy said in the corner. "Where are you from?"

"England. Where in America are we?" Draco asked.

"You don't even know where you are? Are you stupid or something?" A bigger, blond asked. He reminded Draco vaguely of Goyle.

"I'd rather be daft than a fat-ass." Draco replied straightening up.

The room seemed to be devoid of sound, and Draco chewed his bottom lip, understanding the weight (ha ha) of his words. He abandoned his bags and ran out the door taking advantage of the stunned silence while mumbling an excuse about lunch.

"I hate you father." Draco chanted sitting down at a table on the "campers" side. "How could you do this to me!?" He looked over to the parents table and caught sight of Snape, who didn't seem to be fairing any better than himself.

Draco at once understood why Snape wore his bellowing robes. He looked completely out of place. He was built with absolutely no muscle mass, and was as pale as a Malfoy. The clothes that he had given him hung slightly on his shapeless frame, and he looked as uncomfortable as Draco felt. Snape was looking around at the other fathers, watching their faces searchingly.

The other fathers clumped together on the table, their clothes looked colorful and tailored. Snape forked some baked beans on his plate uncomfortably.

"So Mr. Snape," One of the fathers said crossing his arms. It was a tone that Snape knew too well, the tone of fake friendliness. "What do you do for a living?"

"I teach." Snape said simply, still not looking at the father. One could not vouch for this, but it looked as though the baked beans spelled "Die Lucius".

"Teach?" The father said as though never hearing of such a thing. "A noble profession. What subject?" Snape looked up then, noticing the extent of the conversation. All of the other fathers were either starring at him or trying not to.

"I teach po-er...cooking." Snape corrected himself angrily.

"Like...home economics?" A couple of fathers chuckled. Snape's face got red hot. It was high school all over again.

"I teach people how to cook poisons." Snape snapped. The whole table became silent. A fork or two dropped. "For...for the government." Snape added sheepishly. There was a chorus of "oh"s and everyone resumed their lunch itching a little farther away from him. This definitely was like school all over again.

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This is the end of chapter one. Dont worry, we write regularly. Expect more chapters throughout the week! Please review :) 


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